Two lunches, one night.

It’s been a busy week for me so I’m having to cook two lunches in one night.  Which is fun in my tiny little apartment kitchen where the cats are always interested in what you’re taking out of the fridge.  And the toaster keeps making fun of me.

So sandwiches and burritos for the next two nights.  Plus baby carrots with bleu cheese dressing.  Since I eat some form of chicken almost six days a week I have to spice it up.  For this fine Wednesday night I’m making awkward breaded chicken patty sandwiches!

It looks like I’m cooking giant eggs.

Yes those are the cheap frozen Banquet Chicken Patties.  Hey, money’s tight, don’t judge!  Over in the pan are sauteed mushrooms and onions and they’re going on the sandwiches too.  Ok time to be fancierer: I used aged white cheddar for my cheese and alfredo sauce as my condiment!  It’s a gamble, it may taste horrible but it’s something different.

Thursday night becomes burrito night, mainly because I’m out of bread and have left over beans and rice from Monday night.  Last year I discovered that black beans were a lot better on my burritos than refried not only taste wise but also in handling.  I usually use one can with a cup of instant rice and random seasonings to make a mix for two lunches for my week.  Really I’m most excited about the shredded cheese I just bought.

Kroger answers my dreams!

Habanero cheese!  For $1.77!  But that’s not hot enough for me, first I mixed Taco Bell Fire sauce with Ranch dressing then I had a special plan for my meat.  Wait, that sounds dirty.  Anywho I marinated shrimp in olive oil, garlic salt and SRIRACHA!!!  Tomorrow night = tummy pain for me!

Before I heap that beautiful, magical cheese on it.

Well that’s done.  Thursday night I will be lugging around a giant styrafoam cooler that says Budweiser on the side.  With tears of joy in my eyes.

Cats love random things.

I deal with two cats.  And they love random things.  But they hate birds.

“My pile of trash!”

Hank loves trash, especially empty boxes and receipts.  He is like an insane homeless man.  Then he drank vodka one time.  What type of cat drinks vodka?  One with problems.

“If you leave this house you’re going barefoot.”

Johnny 5 loves shoes.  He sometimes leaves trash that he stole from Hank in my shoes.  He desires to go back to school and get his degree.  That last part I made up.

 

 

“Hey man, what’s up?”

I heard this phrase years ago.  Or at least the first way I thought of it as something more than face value.  It was a statement that my classmates in high school would make to someone they felt like might purchase alcohol for them.  A stranger going in and out of a gas station or grocery store that looked like he might be willing to do such a thing and sometimes for a price.  Apparently there are rules that go along with this depending on the situation.

Well, I was never involved in a “Hey man, what’s up” when I was underage.  Throughout the years I’ve been asked a few times to be the buyer and always refused.  I’m not in the mood to get a ticket/go to jail for a bunch of strangers that felt I looked shady/desperate/lonely enough to put my neck on the line.  Screw you guys, go get an older sibling.

Well today I set a record with being asked twice.  Somehow the combination of Memorial Day and my Cthulhu shirt convinced two groups of kiddos to ask me to buy them alcohol.  Each one had a different way to approach me but neither worked.  Then I put a cigarette out in one of their eyes.  I’m joking, gosh.

So attempt # 1!  Tattooed teens needing beer!  It was about noon-thirty and I was buying breakfast sausage and bacon bits from the local grocery store.  (Another Breakfast Dagwood attempt tonight, didn’t work well.)  As I walked outside there were three guys hanging out on a car in the fire lane and one approached me with the question.  Lots of “Dude”  “Be cool”  and a “School just got out.”

Two more guys and an L. D. Bell sticker and you’ll get the idea.

After I refused there was plenty of cussing and I was informed I’m “uncool.”  My career is over.

Damn.

So this evening on my way to work I was in need of a fine soda from QT.  (Summer prices are back!  Ten cents more for styrafoam cups!)  Well I stopped at the one just down the street by my work which tends to have a lot more people hanging out at it than the one by my apartment.  Of course the one by my apartment is one block away from the police station so that may have something to do with it.  I got my Coke and as I was heading out I was stopped by an attractive young lady asking if I could purchase some fine liquors for her and her friends.  She pointed to a car on one side of the parking lot which had a couple of other attractive young girls standing outside.

I’ve been to bars before and I’ve seen this several times.  The girl was working it good and in a few years she’ll be getting her fair share of free drinks until her figure goes or she wakes with child.  But, I was not going to fall for it and I got in my car and drove to this place of shame known as work…

This was what I saw as I drove off.

As I drove away I saw her running to a car on the other side of the parking lot.  A car filled with FIVE TEENAGE BOYS!!!   And when they drove off there was a hook wearing a class ring hanging from their door knob!

I guess in the end I have realized I look like a depressed vagrant willing to buy alcohol for todays youth.  This is why I need to carry my cat around with me.  “Let me ask Johnny 5 before I buy you anything.”  “Hiss”  “Sorry, kids but you get nothing!”

 

 

Love’s musical list part 4

I once drove around a bunch of punk rock kids that were younger than me.  Here, I have proof:

It’s my graduation party and I’ll cry if I want to.

At the time I really disliked punk music (especially the poorly recorded copy of a tape copy of a record done on discount Radio Shack products.)  Now, being the one with a car and a license meant I was the one driving these fools around.  Being the driver meant I got to listen to what I wanted and that was: E.L.O.!

Mohawks are wilting everywhere.

Well, short story shorter, there was a cute little girl that was part of this group that I had a crush on.  One specific night of driving around when it was just me and her I was playing ELO’s greatest hits and right after I dropped her off “Mr Blue Sky” came on.  Nothing came of us but the song really reminds me of that time in my life when I was changing in stupid ways and was grasping for straws with silly relationships.  Basically the end of my senior year in high school and the first couple of years in college.  Yeah.

Well here’s some E.L.O.

 

 

 

 

 

I made a three pound burger once.

That’s right, three pounds of 80/20 meat violently broiled in the oven with veggies, mayo and 8 slices of cheese on the 16 oz Hawaiian Bread loaf.  And I ate it.  And it looked like this:

Man vs Food claims another victim.

Which is why I sometimes look like this:

I am NOT the guy on the right.

 

Injuries. Part 1.

I broke my big toe this week.  I’m always breaking toes, it runs in the family and usually it’s the pinky toes.  Well this time the big metal door that goes out back at work came unhooked while I was walking through it.  Boom!  Broken toe. 

So I did what any American would do I took pictures of it at its ugliest and posted them on Facebook for my friends to laugh at.

Done with these pictures I proceded to move them to a different folder on my computer.  That’s when I realized I have quite a collection of pictures of injuries.  And some of them have special places in my heart…

As he had done the two years before, my roommate’s brother had given him a stray kitten for his birthday.  Thus Hank Blalock was brought into our lives.  Two unfixed male cats in our new apartment.

Here they are enjoying my lack of a real bed.

Well, Hank came of age and started spraying.  Smelling this Johnny 5 started spraying, something he hadn’t done since we were in the old apartment.  The war was one.

All this spraying attracted strays to our humble abode.  Males to mark the front door and livingroom window, females to seduce my poor, naive kittens.  One night with the kitchen window open Hank and Johnny caught one of those seductive whiffs.  They would fight for the paw of this lovely creature!

I turned around to the screams of demons and my first thought was:  “Shut the window.  They’re gonna knock the screen off, get outside and get run over by a car.”

The window sill is chest level, making my face claw level.  You can guess what happened next…

My beautiful hair did not protect me.

I know, I know.  I should’ve sprayed them with water, or thrown a towel over them, or cast the spell of Fire of Wrath.  But I didn’t and now I have more scars on my face.

A few months later I had finally convinced my roommate to get the two of them fixed.  (“How would you like it if someone cut off your balls?)  Also the smell helped him go along with it.  Now they’re calmer and rarely fight.  Except on top of my while I’m trying to sleep!

 

 

 

 

 

My computer is finally fixed, again.

Hopefully this power supply will last longer since it’s brand new.  Only having the interweb at work makes me feel like the world’s saddest owl.

He’s all downy-clowny.

It also didn’t help that my paycheck was late again and the CD-ROM on my old computer doesn’t work so installing the programming for wireless internet took some time.  So what to do when your computer is on the fritz?  Read.

I finally finished Sense and Sensability and Sea Monsters, read the new Dark Tower book Wind Through the Keyhole and the Ultimates Volume 2.  And there are several other books that I haven’t read or want to re-read sitting on my bookshelves.  It’s been almost 20 years since I last read the Hobbit and I want to squeeze that in before the movies come out.

And hopefully my computer will stay up and running for a long time because I hate looking like this: